Sometimes some of the simplest words in the English language are the hardest ones to say.
At the Christmas dance held by the SGA, Kelly and I slow danced and the words “I love you” danced around in my heart and on my mind for an entire four minute song, but they never came out of my mouth.
A few weeks later, I would find it just as difficult to say two simple, yet complex words that needed to be said.
Kelly Johnson and I got into our first real fight about a week before the SGA Christmas dance. I had become jealous of some attention she was getting from one of my classmates. Cooper and I had been roommates briefly, and the relationship didn’t end on the best of terms. Seeing the way he was looking at her while they were talking made me more than just a little jealous. He didn’t like me, and I damned sure didn’t like him.
My jealousy made her angry at me.
“You have no right to be jealous” she told me.
She was right, but I also knew that I didn’t trust my former roommate no further than I could throw him. I also knew Cooper could tell I had feelings for her, and he would make a move on her just to spite me. I foolishly told her all of this, which made her even angrier. The fight ended with her leaving abruptly and slamming the door behind her.
The following night when our tempers had calmed down, we talked about it and made up. It was silly for me to be jealous over a girl I couldn’t claim to be mine in the first place. I knew that, but it didn’t make it any easier. Everything was fine once we made up, and a few nights later we met up at the SGA Christmas dance.
Kelly and I had been seeing each other in secret for about three months by the time the SGA Christmas dance had rolled around. There were many reasons why the relationship between us wasn’t meant to be, but I had grown so attached to her that I had really begun to deny them all. That night, while dancing a slow dance in a nearly empty room, I almost told her that I loved her. I hesitated, because I knew she didn’t want to hear me say it.
After the dance, we went back to my place. I knew it was going to be the last time I saw Kelly before I went home for Christmas Break. We talked for a while, and both looked at the clock watching the minutes tick away. We both knew she would be going home soon, and neither wanted that time to come. After much small talk, the moment finally arrived.
“Well, I guess it’s time for our last kiss” she said to me as we stood under some plastic mistletoe hanging from the ceiling.
“It’s just a couple of weeks Kel, it’ll pass in no time” I said, stalling to say goodbye.
In an unexpected rush, she grabbed me by the back of the head and kissed me harder and more passionately than I had ever been kissed before. It left me exhilarated and slightly dizzy.
With her trademark smirk of a smile, she asked me “How was that for a last kiss?”
Playing a hand in her own game, I grabbed her by the waist and aggressively pushed her against the wall, causing a picture that had been hanging to fall to the floor. As the glass shattered on the floor, I pressed my body against hers, and I kissed her in a way that would ensure to leave a lasting memory.
Once the kiss was done I took a half a step back, still just inches from her face and looked into her eyes. I gave her my own cocky smirk of a smile. Her eyes were wide open, surprised by my passionate aggression.
“I don’t think I’ve ever seen you speechless Kelly” I said, never leaving eye contact.
She just smiled at me in approval, not saying a word.
With that, we said our goodbyes and I walked her to her car. We exchanged a long hug and then I watched her drive away. I was only going home for a couple of weeks, but I was already missing her as I saw her tail lights fade away into the distance.
I went home to Laurinburg to enjoy the holidays with my family. I missed Kelly a lot, but didn’t call her much as I knew she was busy doing her own family thing. We even said that it wouldn’t be a good idea for us to talk much during the holidays due to the complexity of our relationship. Still, two weeks without much contact with the girl you were falling in love with seemed like a long time.
One afternoon, my Mom told me to run to Harris Teeter. Our small town only had a couple of grocery stores, and the Teeter was the nicest store to shop in. In addition, it is always somewhat of a social experience when you shop there. It is almost a guarantee that you will run into some one you know. This day was no exception.
I was in the produce section looking at tomatoes when I saw a girl with blond hair. Her back was to me, but she instantly looked familiar. I immediately thought that it had to be Megan Alba Biel. My heart began that familiar pounding flutter that it had for her a couple of years before when we were in High School together. It was the same feeling I carried around with me for the entire duration of our High School days together.
When she turned around, I knew it was her. She was on the other side of the store, but I knew I had to find a way to casually run into her.
Along with the excitement of seeing her came a slight feeling of guilt. I felt bad feeling this excited about seeing another girl other than Kelly. While I couldn’t define what type of relationship we had, I’m pretty sure another girl shouldn’t fit into the equation. Besides, what were Megan and I going to talk about anyway?
Would I tell her about going to Community College in Sanford? Surely she went to a great four year University somewhere, and my going to Community College failed in comparison.
Would I tell her about the girl that I’ve been seeing (albeit in complete secrecy)?
How would I explain that relationship to her when I couldn’t fully explain it to myself? Besides that would surely lead to her telling me about some wonderful Frat boy she had met in college. That led to the next question I was playing around with in my head…
Would I want to hear about whatever boy that she surely was seeing in college?
Um… No.
Or…Would it be possible that she might not even remember me?
I mean, it had been two whole years! Life moves on, and I had not played as major of a role in her life as she had played in mine.
Somewhere in mid-stride in my venture across the grocery store, I talked myself out of going to say hello to her. I convinced myself that it wasn’t a good idea. A few minutes later I watched her walk to her car, load the trunk with a few items, and drive away. It was another example of how I had admired her from afar, and she seemed so untouchable.
“A girl named Kelly called for you while you were out”, my mother told me as I walked in the door, grocery bags in tow.
I sat the bags on the counter and immediately went to my bedroom to call her back. I was feeling really guilty about getting worked up over MAB at the store. I dialed her number, and all I got was her voicemail.
Not knowing what to say, I just left her a brief message.
“Hey got the word you called me, so I’m just calling you back. Call me later if you can”.
She didn’t call back that day, or any other day of the week that followed. I wondered to myself if it was karma getting me back for getting so excited about seeing Megan at the Teeter.
Christmas was wonderful. Everyone in my family enjoyed their gifts and the time we spent together. Once New Years was over, it was time to venture back to Sanford and get back to school.
The first thing I did when I got home was call Kelly. The phone rang a couple of times before she answered.
“Hello” she said with a strange tone in her voice.
“Hey sweetheart, it’s good to finally hear your voice” I said sweetly trying to figure out why she answered the phone so strangely.
“How many people did you tell?” she asked.
“What do you mean?” I answered, confused.
“YOU KNOW EXACTLY WHAT I MEAN!” she said angrily. “I know you told at least one person. I trusted you to keep it a secret, but you had to go and tell people about it.” Her voice was getting louder the more she spoke.
Completely caught off guard, I remained silent.
“THIS COULD RUIN EVERYTHING! I TRUSTED YOU, AND YOU LET ME DOWN! HOW MANY PEOPLE DID YOU TELL?” She repeated.
“Um.. I don’t know, who told you this?” was all I could come up with, still trying to get my bearings from this unexpected conversation.
“It doesn’t matter who told me, it’s the fact that you told others what was going on, after we agreed to keep it private. Do you know the ramifications of what could happen here? Do you even care?” she continued.
She had never spoken to me in such an angry tone, and what hurt the most was, she had every right to be angry. I had admitted my feelings for her in a drunken stupor to a friend at a party we both had held at my place. I also didn’t deny my feelings when I was called out by a classmate who I was helping decorate for the SGA Dance at Christmas. It could have been either one of them, or they could have told friends who had friends…etc.
My mind wandered back to when Kelly and Cooper were hanging out together. I wondered if maybe if he had said something. Though I had never said anything to him, I wouldn’t put it past him to make something up to put a wedge between us.
My mind raced through the possibilities, but in the end it really didn’t matter. Ultimately the blame fell on me.
As she went off on me with her anger, I kept mouthing the words “I’m sorry”, but they never came out. She was on the other side of town, and couldn’t see me trying to say what so desperately needed to be said.
I’m not sure if it was due to the shock of being blindsided by the accusations, or just sheer guilt and not knowing how to handle it. Regardless, she never heard me say “I’m sorry”.
“I don’t want to see you, hear from you, or talk to you again! Do you understand me? You could have ruined everything!” Those were the last words she said to me before she hung up the phone.
I had known all along that there wasn’t going to be a happy ending to all of this. What I wasn’t expecting was for it to end so abruptly. I hadn’t prepared myself for the inevitable.
I sat there in my living room floor, too in shock to cry and too angry and hurt to do anything else. I thought about what had happened.
I began to think about Cooper. I would have to see him the next day, and every day after for the rest of the year. He was friends with a lot of the guys I considered friends at the beginning of the year, and since had drifted apart from. I felt like a lot of them played sides between the two of us, and I was on the losing side.
I thought about how I was tired of going to class and being taught the same stuff Sammy (my old boss and mentor) had taught me when we worked together. The classes had begun to bore me, and I didn’t feel challenged.
I made an impromptu decision.
I made sure my voice sounded calm before picking up the phone.
It rang three times before she answered.
“Hello” she said.
“Mama, let me speak to Dad” I said.
“Is everything OK baby? She asked me.
“Everything is fine Mama, I just need to speak to Dad for a second” I told her.
“Hey Son, what’s up?” My father asked as he answered the phone.
“Dad, I’ve been thinking about this… Please don’t ask me to explain too much. But I want to come home. I don’t want to be here anymore” I told him.
Without any interrogation whatsoever, he simply said OK.
That was the last night I spent in Sanford. It began to rain that night, and I placed the trash cans in their proper places to catch the rain from the leaking roof. The place that I had proudly called home for nearly six months revealed itself to be as dumpy as I had denied it being for so long. I instantly hated the single wide trailer that I had once loved so. I couldn’t wait to leave it behind. I went to the freezer and got the bottle of Vodka that Kelly had bought for our party a few months before. I fixed myself a stiff drink to help me fall asleep and tried hard not to recollect her angry voice. I instead, opted to sleep in the dingy pink blanket that we shared for the first time in October.
Two simple words that needed to be said, I didn’t say.
I’m not sure if the outcome would have been any different, but the fact that she never heard me say them was something that haunted me long after that night.
Love Y’all
d
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