Christmas is by far my favorite holiday. I love the the decorations, the cheesy holiday movies, the songs (the good and bad ones), I love everything about it. The weather is a cold, but the holiday season seems so warm.
In the winter of 1993, it was my first time living away from home. While I planned on going home during Christmas break to spend the holidays with my family, I wanted to celebrate Christmas with my new friends at college before I left. I especially wanted to spend some time with Kelly Nelson.
I had known from the beginning of our being together that it was a bad idea, but I had come to the conclusion that I had spent the majority of my young life worrying about the outcome, and not living for the moment. Kelly was helping me to not worry as much and gave me a sense of freedom and subtle rebellion that I had never felt before and I relished in it.
I was going to have some friends over for a small party and to help decorate my Christmas tree. Kelly told me that she was going to stop by the store on the way to my place to buy some orange juice.
“OK” I told her, not thinking anything about it.
Later that evening, she came over with a gallon of cheap OJ and a bottle of Absolut Vodka.
At that juncture in my life, I had only had one or two alcoholic drinks. I had grown up in a strict household that condemned drinking. I didn’t dare challenge that rule. However at that time, I wasn’t at home with my Mom and Dad. I was away at college, and I wanted to do what college kids do… I wanted to party.
Not long after putting up a rather pitiful looking Charlie Brown-like Christmas tree, we began to pour the drinks. I had my first ever Screwdriver, and it went down smooth. So I followed up quickly with another, and then another. The drinks got stronger as the night went on longer. Later that night, I was talking to one of my friends at the kitchen table when I slurred a drunken confession.
“I love Kelly” I told him.
“Yeah Man, she is a great girl. We all love Kelly” he replied.
“No, you don’t get it. I am IN love with Kelly. I know I shouldn’t be, but I am” I mumbled.
“Dude, she’s -” he started to say, before I cut him off in mid sentence.
“I know, but that doesn’t mean I don’t love her. We are perfect together.”
“What do you mean…together?” he asked.
I didn’t reply and stared into space. He patted me on the shoulder and walked away, not wanting to hear the rest. I didn’t finish my thought as I got easily distracted by another refill of my glass. By the time I had my last drink, I determined that I was drinking a screwdriver strong enough to screw a screw though titanium.
I woke up the next morning with a dry mouth, horrible headache, and a worse conscience. While recapping the night before, I realized I couldn’t keep a secret while drinking. My big mouth got much bigger with the influence of alcohol.
The SGA Christmas dance was a pretty big deal at school. We held it at a large facility with a huge dance floor, great catering, and a DJ that had every song you could imagine.
I was on the committee to help out with decorating and getting everything together. I was helping one of the guys hang some decorations when he asked me out of the blue –
“What’s the deal with you and Kelly?”
“We’re just friends, we hang out together and stuff. No biggie” I replied.
“That’s not what’s going around” he said.
“Rumors are just rumors” was all I could come up with to try to end the conversation.
“Say what you want to, but the smile on your face tells me all I need to know” he said as he walked away.
I felt guilty that my facial expression might have given away my feelings toward Kelly. The one thing that she had made me promise was that I wasn’t to tell anyone about us being together. I had already admitted to one person during a drunken stupor my feelings for her, and now without saying a word, I had revealed our secret again. The guilt stuck with me for a while as I finished helping out with the preparations for the big Christmas Dance.
After getting the place ready to go for the evening, I went home to change into nicer clothes and get ready for the evening. I wanted to look my best, because I knew Kelly was going to be there too. I wore a white dress shirt with dress pants and a splash of Hugo cologne. After spending nearly thirty minutes in the mirror trying to make my hair look just right, I was out the door.
I arrived at the dance a little late, but it wasn’t too crowded. I mingled with friends and waited for Kelly to arrive. The music was loud and made it difficult to talk to others. I was quite bored, tired and ready to go home when I saw her come through the front door.
She was wearing modestly low cut black blouse with her hair down, and smiling when she saw me. I felt my heart race just a bit as she walked through the crowd to see me. We had a friendly hug as to not look obvious to the others around us. I held her long enough entertain my senses with the perfume she was wearing.
“I didn’t think it was possible for you to look even more beautiful, but you do tonight” I said quietly.
“Huh?” she replied unable to hear me over the DJ playing ‘Jingle Bell Rock’ by Burl Ives.
“I said you look beautiful tonight!” I repeated.
“I’m sorry I can’t hear you…” she said.
“YOU LOOK STUNNING!” I said loudly, trying to compete with the music.
“I thought you said I was beautiful. Which is it?” she said with a sly grin. “A girl can’t hear she’s beautiful too many times” fessing up to her playfulness. Her lighthearted and flirty nature is one of the many things that attracted me to her.
We hung out together for the rest of the evening, while mingling with mutual friends. By the time the night was almost over, there were only a few people left at the dance. The DJ played The Temptation’s ‘Silent Night’ as the last song of the evening. The Temptations rendition of the Christmas classic is slow, rich and soulful. I took Kelly by the hand onto the dance floor to dance. She was hesitant at first, but realizing that it was almost an empty room, she gave in.
I held her close and sang in her ear.
“I love to listen to you sing” she whispered.
“I love singing to you” as I continued to serenade her, enjoying her body pressed close to mine.
It was at that moment that I almost said it. I almost let the song, atmosphere, and moment get to me. I had the words “I love you” on the tip of my tongue. Before I could get them out, I stopped myself. I knew that if I crossed that line, there was no going back. I also knew that even if she felt the least bit of the same emotion toward me, that she wouldn’t admit it. Whatever type of relationship we were having at that time, had unspoken lines that weren’t meant to be crossed.
So while ‘Silent Night’ played, I remained silent.
Love Y’all
d
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Awesome as always Dave!!! Keep ‘em coming!
By: Spring on June 3, 2009
at 11:43 am