Hello. My name is Dave Myers, and I am vertically challenged.
That is…. I am short.
I use the term “Vertically Challenged” because I know there are folks out there who prefer longer more medical sounding words that describe the obvious. It’s my feeble attempt to sound politically correct, even though we all know I’m really not.
I have been reminded of the fact that I’m height deficient since elementary school. There isn’t a short joke that I haven’t heard, or do not have a comeback for. I have been the butt of many a tall person’s joke. I have been stuck in the “Friend” role with a multitude of girls in the past due to my height. I was picked last in every game I played in as a kid.
My mother is under 5 feet tall.My Father is only 5′7″I am 5′5″… and friends, I got it honest.
However-
My SMOKING HOT Wife is 5′1″. When we have kids they will be short too. I think we will build a house with low ceilings just to tick off all of our tall friends who come over to visit.
Many famous men have been vertically challenged and have known fame far beyond expectation. I have done some research, and here are some examples of my shorter brethren-
Paul Simon 5′ 3″ – Mrs. Robinson, Sounds of Silence, etc. (and he married Carrie Fisher when she was still Princess Leia in the gold bikini… what guy didn’t want that?)
Elton John 5′ 3″ – The Rocket Man is ‘Still Standing’ at under 6′ feet.
Al FREAKIN Pacino 5′ 5″- Tony Montana for God’s sake!
Keith Urban 5′6″ – Country Music sex symbol, and is to my wife, what Jessica Alba is to me.
Bono 5′6″ – My wife’s other Jessica Alba
Tupac Shakur 5′ 7″ -The greatest rap artist… ever
Ryan Secrest 5′7″ (not really buying that either) – Ryan pretty much is a part of everything in the broadcast industry and is our generation’s Dick Clark.
Tom Cruise 5′ 7″- OK bad example. First of all.. there is no way he is 5′7, he’s 5′4 at best (not that there is anything wrong with that), and secondly we disowned him about 4 years ago after the whole couch jumping thing on Oprah.
The list could go on and on.
Here’s another thing…..I am tired of all the cliche’s that go along with being short.
I really can reach the top shelf at the grocery store.
I don’t need a pillow to look over the steering wheel of my car.
I am actually a decent basketball player (not really, but thats because I am slow, out of shape, and generally not athletic at all.. however it has nothing to do with my height.).
I do not have a Napoleon complex, nor do I have a George Constanza complex either.
Being short isn’t a complex at all, being an a**hole -Sorry for the language, Pastor Pete ( he’s 5′7 BTW)- on the other hand… is.
Everybody has their thing. They have SOMETHING they wish the could have different in regards to there appearance.
Nowadays there is a cure for every type insecurity. While I personally don’t endorse any type of major surgery or anything like that… their are options. For instance,
If you are overweight- You can slim down via diet and exercise ( or have a tummy tuck)
If you want larger breasts – Breast Enhancement surgery
If you want fuller lips – Collagen Injections
If you darker complexion – Tanning bed
Different eye color – Colored contacts
Want to look younger – Botox
FRIENDS THERE IS NOTHING OUT THERE TO MAKE YOU TALLER! And I can say finally at 34 years of age… that’s ok.
I wish someone could have convinced me at an earlier age of this. My adolescent and early teen years would have been much more enjoyable. I’m gonna wrap this up and hang out with my short wife, in our little apartment, on our small couch, and watch some tv that isn’t on a big screen.
But in closing, like I said, everybody has their thing… I am curious to know what yours was when you were younger? Are you brave enough to confess? Leave a comment below.
Love Ya’ll
d
